Wednesday, February 24, 2010

what IS a hannah montana?

ah unrelenting consumerism. nobody says it better than XM301(one of my favorite geniuses). enjoy:


Apparently I learned nothing from that 2007 antifreeze-tainted toothpaste scare, as a recent trip to the Extra Foods resulted in the purchase of a 99 cent tube of what appears to be Hannah Montana-flavoured Crest toothpaste.

Sure... you may think it’s ridiculous to postulate that a toothpaste bears the flavour of a pre-teen pop sensation, yet all packaging clues lead nowhere except to this conclusion: Most toothpaste labels have the word “Mint” (or one of its variations) set in 24 point Helvetica alongside a cheaply-drawn green leaf. Splattered across this tube’s label are the words “Hannah Montana” alongside a cheaply-photoshopped teenage commodity.

Given the parallelism, what else is am I to conclude? I doubt those two Disney logos or the pair of indecipherable product codes are signifying the flavour. Does NPN80000806 sound like a flavour to you?

Okay. Perhaps it is a stretch to speculate that a 99 cent chemical gel exactly replicates Hannah Montana's flavour, but I suspect for a dental hygiene paste form, it’s a pretty accurate representation.

Hannah is cinnamon-y. With a hint of bubble gum. And a chemical kick reminiscent of those scratch-and-sniff books you’d take out from the public library as a kid... or perhaps a hit of poppers.

I’ve used half the tube.

But I think I’ve reached the end. Could it be those small sparkly solids suspended in the paste? Maybe it’s the Red 40 listed in the ingredients? Possibly it’s that nagging absence of a Canadian Dental Association seal of approval. Regardless, I just can’t use it any more.

Fortunately, I need not worry if a second Hannah Montana craving sets in. Though found in a clearance bin, the toothpaste is not irreplaceable (unlike, for example, teeth): A quick search of Amazon and Ebay reveals sellers seeking upwards of $32 for six-tube bundles. Even if Crest Hannah Montana flavour toothpaste leaves a bad taste in my mouth, it's practically consumer-grade gold.

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