Saturday, January 30, 2010

"you're right, Blanche. these naked southern guys sure can dance. "

This one is dedicated to my own Golden Girls: Joey, Chad, Christopher, and Ryan. although, Christopher doesn't really LIKE golden girls, he's just totally Dorothy.

This is pretty much the most brilliant satire ever written: the Golden Girls are to blame for making a generation of boys gay.

According to the author of "The Golden Girls: how one tv show turned a generation of american boys homosexual", nobody expected the show to be so popular with young men although in hindsight it makes perfect sense:

"In the 80s, these were boys too delicate for sports, too awkward for girls, too “artistic” for labor-intensive work and too flamboyant for peer acceptance in high school. "

So these fragile, bird-like creatures watched copious amounts of Golden Girls and became obsessed with the "poorly conceived characters" because they were "desperate for a firm hand in their lives" and the "subversive undercurrent of masculinity in these aged matrons" appealed to them.

In all fairness I think we need to point out that the argument here is a little bit flimsy: the Golden Girls were NOT "poorly conceived characters"!!!

But the article continues. the Golden Girls became a smash hit during the 1980s which made it even more threatening to boys' masculinity:

"The 1980s was an epoch of President Reagan’s manly wisdom and the terrifying threat of Cold War annihilation. America had sobered up from the flashy lights of 1970s disco. We were skipping all night cocaine and sex parties to focus on our careers. Spiritual leaders like Jerry Falwell were telling us that Christianity was in the majority again. On the other side, there was a subculture of homosexuality creeping up on our youths. It gave them an excuse to wear tight jeans and to sneak off to public parks for quick releases with hairy men of different ethnicities."[emphasis mine]

So boys who didn't fit in liked the Golden Girls, and sought out the company of other boys who liked the Golden Girls.

"The results were disastrous. Our horny, lonely boys sought out intimate comforts with likeminded Golden Girls addicts who didn’t mind each other’s theatrical voices and touch-feely hand gestures. Together, these clusters of awkward teens and twentysomethings bonded over their favorite episodes and characters, mimicking the voices and gowns of their tv friends."

The conservatism of the 80's paired with the Golden Girls is responsible for all the gay men in north America. the article even breaks down each Golden Girl and WHY she's so bad, starting with Dorothy:

"If you walk down the street today and bump into a middle-aged homosexual, chances are that the nasty comeback he will shout at you is something he picked up from Dorothy Zbornak of the Golden Girls. Played by noted liberal activist and Archie Bunker-foe Bea Arthur, Dorothy had a hard, masculine voice. She was cold and quick-tempered. She taught our modern butt rompers to disparage everyone in their orbit. She schooled them on insulting people’s clothing choices, body odors, organ sizes and educations. Dorothy taught the gays to speak very fast and have the most superior attitude possible."

According to the author Rose Nylund is responsible for every stupid homo and Blanche for the slutty homos.

The author wonders about what will happen now that these men, the Golden Girls generation, "are turning 40 and 50?"

This is where the article loses steam because the Golden Girls generation is ALL generations.

Ithink everyone should read the entire article because it's pretty long and pretty hilarious but I don't want to just reproduce it here. The author, however, is missing a few important facts.

The Golden Girls didn't just influence a generation of boys to "become gay", they represented and debunked every deplorable stereotype about women that exists. They didn't just come out during a good social climate and give boys an excuse to rebel.

The Golden Girls influenced everyone who watched it to be whatever they wanted to be, gay or straight, because those bitches could work it and they didn't apologize to anybody. They were a testament to true friendship, sticking together through thick and thin, and accepting difference.

They supported eachother.

They taught us all that groups of friends need someone willing to dole out tough love and that sometimes you need to pool together your resources to survive in a tough conservative climate. They drew on facets of the queer community that were in existence long before the show aired. They taught us that you can live with your elderly mother and not kill her or yourself. Sex lives and social lives won't end when you get old.

The ladies who rocked fluorescent silk get ups complete with five inch shoulder pads whilst in their 60s or 70s, bagging careers AND men, are an inspiration to everyone to not hide what you really are even if you're old or gay.

And that is why the Golden Girls generation will never die.

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