Thursday, October 22, 2009

well, i guess i fucked up.

thank jesus i read the huffington post this morning!!

this article, by jag carrao, outlines the five mistakes of dating that women make(and how to fix them).

it's really important that articles like this get written and published once every few years to remind women of why feminism has duped them and why they will be alone forever if they don't play by the rules.

and no one wants to be alone forever, bridget jones taught us that much.

women, like dogs, need to be trained to approach relationships properly. jag writes that "correcting the errors of your ways can be done with a bit of practice" and this is true. it's like how eff and i have been training harry the beagle. he used to think the front door was his, but after a few weeks(or months) of us asserting our right over the door it's ours again. alternatively, you'd be surprised what a little raw hot dog can do for beagle behaviour.

so, applying the same general "raw hot dog" strategy to women and relationships is bound to work.

jag also writes that the most common of dating mistakes stem from "underlying issues of self-esteem"

without further ado, the five mistakes women make in dating(because men don't make mistakes):

number one: don't approach him first.

we were ever tricked on this one! apparently "conventional dating advice... encourages women to flirt and even strike up a conversation." this is WRONG. do not even attempt to do this ladies, it is bad news.

you know why it's bad news? because if you approach him you shouldn't be surprised when down the road he won't commit to you because a "man may date and even marry a woman who approached him first, but there will likely be consequences later on." you need to let the mens approach you, because men will approach the girls they "really want."

don't worry, you can fix this problem.

jag's quick fix is that "if you talked to him first or even asked him out"(you silly girl), you can still TRY to "restore some of the feminine mystique" that you have up when you became the initiator.

you have to be more elusive and mysterious. less available. and if dude likes you he'll come after you. but for god's sake, do not try to initiate contact with a man again, you have to "please, trust the universe!"

ok, dating mistake number 2: acting overly chummy.

um, obviously. you don't want to be FRIENDS with this guy. don't talk to him about your life, what you're thinking, your day because that's "yuck!!" jag advises women not to do this because it makes you look "desperate and neurotic."

fix this, bitch! the more time you spend talking, the less time you have to list to what the man has to say--and that is what is truly important at this stage in your relationship.

dating mistake number three: accepting last minute dates

jag says that women need to show men that they're busy, have friends, deadlines, projects, and prospects. if you accept a "spontaneous" invite to hang out or go on a date then you're sending the wrong message.

you need to trick him into thinking you're a busy and fancy girl. because "fancy restaurants-like fancy girls-require reservations made well in advance."

to fix this situation you've gotten yourself into by agreeing to a last minute date, you have to immediately start adhering to the three day rule. if he doesn't call you three days in in advance then you have to say no to the date.

jag says it's important to make sure you're his "plan A" girl and not his "plan B" girl. this is true, because we all know that plan B is for sluts.

dating mistake number four: whirlwind romances.

jag uses the scariest person alive to exemplify this one: jennifer aniston. men fall in love quickly, but fall out of love just as fast. you might have fun going all out but his interest is definitely going to fizzle. like jennifer aniston, you will not be happy unless you have a constant partner. being rich and beautiful, having as much freedom as you could ever want, being able to travel, whatever. none of this matters unless you have a man to share it with. don't be jennifer aniston.

so to fix this you have to do a few things: don't see him more than once or twice a week, don't talk longer than ten minutes on the phone, don't open up or introduce him to your friends. if he wants to do any of things, well then "there's this arrangement called marriage.

and finally, mistake number five: wasting time

the relationship isn't going anywhere(which means you're not getting married) OR you're not out looking for love because you're getting over a "heartbreak." well fuck that shit, you need to shape up or ship out!

the only way to fix this is to "know what you want." want to get married to your long term boyfriend? set a time limit, and if he doesn't marry you, you need to leave him. if you're just wallowing in self pity after a break up, snap out of it! put an online profile up on the internets and spread the word that you're single. that's not desperate, it's proactive.

so there you have it, women of the world, all of the mistakes you're making. finding a partner shouldn't just be a casual thing, it demands scheduling, lies, manipulation, and careful long term strategic planning.

so take is seriously, if we can train our beagle you can most certainly train yourself to be an acceptable date.


Anonymous said...

Augh! It's The Rules all over again!
In the words of the inimitable Shirel Bassey, I think the only course of action here is to "sidestep the little bits of history repeating"

tee said...

and, there are 43 rules in that book.

one includes not dating anyone for more than a year because it means they aren't ever going to marry you.

most of jag's rules are just a copy of the the Rules book rules.

no more rules!

Anonymous said...

Screw rules! Although if I followed the rules, maybe I would be legitimately married by now and not shacked up and living in sin. SINNER.

tee said...

haha, yeah, you're breaking every rule in the book!!

maybe you should write a book about it!

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