Friday, May 25, 2012

These Pamphleteers: Six things to do, say, and not do after your man's sports team loses a big game.

Everyone is all up in arms over this blog "While the Men Watch", which is a blog about two pretty Toronto ladies who get bored when their men watch the sports. I don't get what all the fuss is about, they've hit the nail on the head: while men watch sports, women have got nothing to do!! So they write this blog about funny sports related things and they're best friends forever.

Let's face it, women's lives revolve around their men which means that most of the time ladies are bored while their men do the things they love to do. The thing that men like to do the most is the sports. They love to do and watch the sports! Any and all sports, men are watching and doing them. This is because (and this has been scientifically proven) men have a special gene that makes them bigger, stronger, more active, and so they are biologically inclined to sports. Women don't have this gene. Women have the woman gene, which makes them more likely to be obsessed with things like fashion and eyebrows, and to despise their own body hair. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: SCIENCE!

Some people are upset. They say ladies like to watch sports, or ladies have their own lives while men watch sports, or that some ladies don't like men. These critics are what is known as FEMINISTS. Feminists are usually confused lesbians who don't shave their armpits. They have very bad haircuts and wear cargo shorts. In brief, they are crazy and really don't know what they're talking about. Also, ugly girls don't like "While the Men Watch" because they are sad and jealous of ladies who have men. 

But really, the only thing they have to be upset about is that the ladies aren't going far enough! Take, for example, their list "The 6 things NOT to say when his Team Loses." 

This list is very thorough. They discuss things like how you shouldn't console your man by saying "at least your team came in second" because the man gene makes men HATE second place. Also, women should always have a secret stash of ice cold beers for when their man is sad and they should open the beer and put it in his hand before he even asks for it. Don't ask your man to do housework or fulfill responsibilities after a big loss. Don't make him see your awful family, because your mom is probably a bitch. Most important on the list, though, are that you should never discuss how his team played or display sports knowledge and you should always, always, always have sex with your man whenever he wants to after his team loses. The ladies say even if you have your period, "under any circumstance" you have to make it happen. On bed rest because you're pregnant? Too bad, don't be selfish! Is your period making you sick and barfy? Well, tough shit. It's your job as a lady attached to a man to pre-empt his every want and desire, and desire= sex.

Seems like a fine list right? NO!  There are so many others that were left out which we'll cover here.

So, without further ado, I introduce:

These Pamphleteers: Things to do, not to do, to say, not to say, when your man's team loses the big game." 

1. "Ask your man for a pre-approved list of things you may say after his team loses."

This one is important because, as the ladies point out, saying the wrong thing is not an option. Governing yourself according to what your man wants coming out of your mouth is your job. If he doesn't want to hear it, you shouldn't be saying it. Having this list will help you avoid a divorce later on. Don't tell him that at least they came in second because "second is dirt" and if you say that, you will be dirt to him too. Some people will tell you that having to censor what you say or do in a relationship is "abuse" but those people are probably just ugly feminists who are crazy anyway. The ladies advise other women to "ease your way out of a bad loss for his team" and this is a great way to do that and it's also a great way to avoid having to hide another black eye from your coworkers.

2. "Men are similar to bears, so know your man bear Safety Tips."

 Don't surprise your man during a big game, especially if his team is losing. Make your presence known by wearing a bell so that he knows where you are at all times. Stay on pre-marked trails in your home that don't cut directly through your man's game space.  If you do accidentally traverse into game space country and your man sees you, remain calm and avoid any sudden movements. If your man pursues you, throw something on the ground(like the laundry basket) to distract him to aid in your escape. Depending on the type of man you have, if an attack is imminent you should either play dead or be loud and stand your ground.

3."Don't tell him: I don't have any pre-masticated food for you."

Your man is sad and he needs comfort. As his lady you are also his maternal replacement figure and so if he needs comfort you have to give it to him. Take a cue from mother birds and Alicia Silverstone. If you just had a baby and are still lactating, put those suckers on ice and have them ready for after the game! Nature was generous to you ladies, now be generous to your man.

4. "Kill your mother."

This may seem extreme but if you think of the big picture, the long term results will be worth it. Your man hates your mother, you hate your mother because he hates her. Like the ladies say on their list, you should never suggest seeing or dining with your in-laws after a big loss because he's too vulnerable to contain his hatred for your mother and the rest of your family. After a really big loss, for instance the Stanley Cup final, a nice thing to do for your man is to lure your mother over to the house (you can also ask some extended family to join, depending on how strong you are), and bludgeon her to death in front of him. This says to your man "even though your team lost, you're still a winner."

5. "Don't just avoid asking your man to fulfill responsibilities after a big loss, do them all yourself."

Because sports are the only important thing to men, the ladies suggest a 48 hour period in which you shouldn't nag him to do anything. First of all, ladies should never nag their men (that's just cruisin for a bruisin) and second, why ask your man to do anything ever? Your man will do the things around the house that he wants to and that make him feel manly, but ladies should do the rest themselves. If you have a job or a volunteer commitment, you should quit them because there are sports all year round. Most important is that you never acknowledge that you did any of the stuff he was supposed to do, and never ask to be recognized for it. After you've finished each job around the house, praise your man for a job well done. There's no reason you can't strap that baby to your chest and change the oil yourself.

6.  "Remember that his team winning or losing is the most important thing in the world."

This one is really the most important rule of all because it's actually how you should govern yourself all year round. Your man watching sports, or playing sports, is imperative and has far reaching effects. Don't say things to him like "I don't care about sports, women still earn 75% of what men earn doing the same job!" Don't say to him "But, I'm watching sports." Don't say to him "I don't love you anymore because you make me organize my life around you and around the sports you watch." Don't say to him "I thought you were coming to my trial today?" Sports watching is directly related to a healthy democracy and women who question that, like women who question anything, are impeding the democratic process. Don't be selfish, ladies.

1 comment:

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